She sits in her dining room, head in her hands. She is crying. She just got off the phone with her manager. “More time” she hears, over and over. “Just be patient”. It can be draining. But it’s the people that crack under this pressure that make this the city of [broken] dreams.
What do you do when you think you’ve done all you can, when you think you’ve gone as far as you can, when the rest seems out of your control. I feel like I’m trapped. Wanting so badly to be actively working towards my dreams, but in order to get to that point, I need to overcome the little obstacle of time- time, and other people. I feel I’ve done everything I could up until now, I’ve worked my butt of for 3 years, and I just want to come to the top of that mountain and be able to say, look I made it, and I’m going to keep going up from here.
I just want so much from myself. I believe in myself, but I want more from myself than I would ever imagine. If that makes sense. I mean, I’m constantly doubting myself, telling myself I’ll never make it- but I still put those pressures on me, the pressure to succeed. I want to, so so badly. But I don’t even know what success is. I have an idea of some things I’d like to accomplish throughout my career, but if I accomplish all those, does that then mean that I am “successful”? What is success?
Thinking about it makes me feel. And I’ve talked about it before, but I haven’t felt in a long time. Emotions sort of just left. But this is one thing that I can tell I’m passionate about, because thinking about how badly I want it, makes me cry. And I don’t know if I’m crying in fear that I won’t make it, or if they are happy tears because I believe in myself, or just tears built up from so much emotion surrounding it. My career is my everything. I want it so bad and would do anything to ensure that I do what I want, so that I can give myself the life I deserve, and to give my family the life they deserve.
Thinking about all my career goals and daydreaming about what I would be doing just fills me with such passion, I feel the warmth wrap around my heart, the pressure pushing on my stomach, the light pull on my spine, deep breath in, deep breath out.
I want to succeed so badly, and I have been working my booty off for the last three years to try and get to where I want to. And it’s going to take time. It’s going to take time, and it’s going to take people that don’t know me to give me a chance, to take a risk, and believe in me. Hopefully that day will come soon.
She won’t be the one to crack. She won’t allow it. Her fire, her drive, her passion won’t allow it. She won’t stop until she’s at the very top. She won’t stop till she has complete control- of the game, of the time, and of the people.