Saturday night. The lights are low, the music’s loud, and I’m sitting here without pants on. I know what you’re thinking…Uh, Kacey, what happened. And it’s not what you’re imagining, or maybe it is. I’m sitting in my room, snuggled up in my bed, listening to the new iTunes Top 100: Country Radio station, and it’s nighttime so I’m in my pajamas [I really hate pants]. I’d say that’s a pretty crazy night.
As Luke Bryan is singing about his kind of night [let’s take a pause to discuss the YouTube video of him dancing to Don’t Drop That Thun Thun…sexy can I], I am thinking about a week from now. Next Saturday night, what will I be doing and how will it be different from any other Saturday night? First of all, I’ll be in Los Angeles. And this time it won’t be just for a visit, it will be home. Scary. I can already feel the butterflies starting to fly around in my tummy. It’s like the night before a gymnastics competition- except this time, it’s a week before I move, and instead of being terrified of whether or not I’ll land on the beam, I’m terrified of whether or not I will make friends, whether or not I’ll get homesick, whether or not I’ll succeed. It’s been an emotional roller coaster for the last few weeks since I signed the official moving/apartment papers. I’ve been excited, I’ve been terrified, I’ve been doubtful, I’ve been happy, and now I think I’m content. Not too scared, but not completely stoked. And I think this is an okay place to be [let’s re-evaluate this position next Thursday night, I’ll be an emotional wreck].
I’ve done all of the necessary pre-moving steps. I’ve set up my water and power, I’ve ordered all of my furniture, I’ve scheduled an appointment for the cable and internet people to set up, I’ve bedazzled everything in my house. I think I’m ready, the real test will be when my dad and sister leave the apartment complex Sunday morning. I’ve already gone through this once, last year around this time, moving into my college dorm. I remember laying on my bunk bed [I had the top bunk by choice, but it was very close to the roof so it was freaking me out a bit], seeing my dad close the door as he was getting ready to drive back home. I cried. It’s hard seeing the people you love the most leave you- and it’s not like they are leaving forever, but it feels like forever when you’re left all alone. And thinking back to that day, I’m crying. Sitting in my bed, Hunter Hayes serenading me, telling me to be crazy. And I feel crazy, thinking back to a year ago, tears streaming down my face. Thinking to a week from now, still crying. I don’t know if it’ll ever get easier- leaving home, saying goodbye to your loved ones, being on your own. It wasn’t easy in Kindergarten, that’s for sure. I remember everyday crying when my mom would leave the classroom- pretty sure that lasted up until about 3rd grade. Fast forward 14 years, and here I am again, feeling those same feelings of fear and not wanting to be alone, and it’s not for another week.
I guess the good thing about having these feelings now is that it gives me a week to figure it out. It gives me a week to address what it is I’m scared of, and figure out how I’m going to prevent myself from having a complete meltdown. And one thing I’ve realized over the last few weeks/months/whenever I really don’t care…is that it’s okay to have a complete meltdown. It’s okay to break down, it’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to cry, as long as you don’t let it stay that way. All these new coping mechanisms, I tell you, they’re fabulous, this one in particular, really helps me out. I get upset a lot. I get mad at myself, I get down about everything, and I get in a real pessimistic mindset. And I’ve learned that if I try to block out those feelings, if I try to ignore all of it, it just makes it worse later on. Instead, now I let myself give into those feelings, but not for long. I don’t let myself dwell, but I do allow myself to give in. After those few minutes of crying or telling myself I suck, I then stop. And I readdress the situation, and I figure out what the issues are, and how i can effectively fix them. Then, I move on- what an epic idea. And I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do next week when I see my dad close the door after saying our last goodbyes. I’m going to have to let myself have those few minutes of tears, then I’m going to have to blast the iTunes Top 100: Country Radio and move on. I’m going to have to realize that it may be sucky for some time, I am going to miss my family like crazy, but I’m going to have to deal with it if I want to grow up. And I have to grow up, so I don’t really have any other options.
I’ve been writing for 8 songs, and I’m guessing y’all want me to be done. So I will. But know that I’ll be back. I’m going to be writing as much as I can leading up to this fabulous move and during the whole adventure. Get ready, it’s going to be crazy [Hunter Hayes, you are more than welcome to join]. Love y’all so much <33