Numb. You know it’s there but you can’t feel it. You may have experienced a numb cheek after dental work. Or maybe you sat for too long and your leg went numb. But have you ever had your mind go numb- no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, just nothing.
It’s weird. And it’s weird trying to write while my mind is currently trying to block out every little thing. I go from speed writing and trying to get out a sentence, to slowly thoughts forming enough to complete that sentence. delete delete delete. Constantly deleting the emotion. I start to feel, and then delete. I start to feel, and then nothing. Feeling and then numbness. And then stop. I could be in the middle of the most insane party talking to the most amazing guy, and feel as though I was laying down staring at a blank wall. And that nothingness is numbness. And that numbness will stay as the tears begin to fall, “Why am I like this? What did I do wrong? Why am I such a mess? No one can save me. “And those tears are just another drop in the bucket. They will continue to fill up because these numb feelings happen far too often.
Normally my writing comes quicker than this. But tonight, the numbness has set in. The numbness as set in, and all I want is to escape, Escape to my bed, to my sleep, to my dreams, to the darkness that follows, and the eternal light at the end.
I’m a people person. Now if you know me in person, you probably are laughing right now. So let me rephrase that. I’m a people person. There. I am. The definition of a people person is “a person who enjoys or is particularly good at interacting with others”. Now for me, I am particularly good at interacting with others. I understand people. I may not like being around people, and I may be pretty snarky after I spend time with someone, but I am good at working my way around people. Not in a bad way, but I know how to stay on someone’s good side. I passed Kindergarten, I know how to make friends. But, the reason I’m writing this isn’t because I have lots of friends [I do, but whatever]; obviously, I am having issues with people. So let’s get into the gossip. Kidding, we leave that off the Internet- I’m not stupid.
Currently I’m sitting in my room, getting ready for a “night out” [lolz, like I said, I hate people-but I am seeing people tonight]. Listening to John Mayer [that’s when you know things are emotional], hair halfway done, no pants, staring at my newly decorated wall with pictures of me and who would have guessed it, my friends. And I’m staring at this wall, trying to think of how I got into this mess, this wonderful mess of drama. Going back to the start of this fabulous entry, I’m a people person. I’m also a people pleaser. I do what I need to to make people happy. It’s not often that I will let someone stay mad at me for long. Also, I don’t hold grudges [although I’m extremely pessimistic, I try not to let anything that is out of my control, get me upset- a recent “coping mechanism” I’m trying out]. Now, I’m not writing this because I’m holding a grudge, or because someone’s mad at me- honestly, I have no clue what is going on or what all this drama is about because I simply, don’t care. That’s it. I don’t care. I just don’t. And that is the reason why some people may not trust me completely. I don’t let things get to me. I separate my emotions from my relationships. I distance myself. I know that this is one of my many downfalls. I will let someone else get as close as they want to me and share all their secrets and regrets or whatnot, and I’ll keep those to my death. But try and get me to express myself and it’ll be like talking to a wall.
I don’t do emotion very well. Part of this may be because of my past, part of it may be because of what I’m dealing with now, I don’t really remember. I think I’ve always been this way, but I know that as of recently [being the past year or so], I have kept my distance from my friends. I keep my distance, and I won’t get hurt, simple.
As stated in a previous post [Little Talks], I like talks-I like the no makeup, laying on the floor, vulnerable, little talks. The emotional talks. But, like I said, I’ve only been able to have a real “little talk” maybe twice in my life. I have many friends, many acquaintances, many best friends, but I can count on one hand the number of people that I would honestly and truly tell my whole life story to. And it’s nothing against the other people, I don’t want to make anyone upset, but there are very few people that I would trust to put that burden on. Plain and simple, it may not make any sense, but in my mind, telling someone what I’ve been through, what I’ve done, and how I feel, is putting a burden on them. And you can tell me as many times as you’d like that it’s not a burden, that it’s just being a good friend, but in my mind- I’d rather listen to someone else and be that friend for them, then to unleash the monster from within me. So there’s that.
I really don’t know what I was going at with this. I never really do, but it’s nice. I like being able to just talk to you. To share how I’m feeling, and to say what’s truly on my mind. And back to people, I don’t like them. They bother me. They take things way too personally, they are way too dramatic, they are way too emotional, and they care too much. Saying this now I seem like a heartless “bad word”- and maybe I am. What if that’s the fun in this all- that little girl you thought was so good, but didn’t know too much about, maybe she’s a lot more screwed up than you thought.
I said I understand people, and I don’t. I said I was a people person, and maybe I’m not. But I’m on the way to learning how to be a “me” person [if that’s a thing]. I’m learning how to be “a person who enjoys or is particularly good at interacting with others”, but instead of being good at interacting with others, I’m learning how to interact with myself. Then we will work on interacting with others.
The late night fuzzies get to me. They fog my brain so my thoughts and feelings and emotions get jumbled up. Not quickly, it’s more of just a whisper. Many whisperings, mumblings, all swirling around in my mind. And it may be that it’s late at night and I kind of lose it, I become vulnerable. But this is why night is the best time for me to write.
A recluse. Just me, and my bed. Lots of very materialistic items around me, but that’s not where I am. I am with my thoughts, trying to process through everything so that maybe one day, I’ll be able to help myself, more than the doctors have. But I need to understand myself, before I can heal myself. So occasionally I will be writing, not necessarily for all to see, but those who desire and want to know more about me, this is probably the way to do it. It’s rough drafts of my brain.
Change is just that, it’s change. It’s moving to a new city. It’s meeting new people. It’s talking to your crush, who you know it’ll never work out, but your heart wants it so. It’s taking that risk. It’s talking to him while he’s on facebook, it’s not being shy and making the move to text first. It’s making the first move. It’s paying attention to every little detail, so you know you aren’t missing out. It’s trying new experiences. It’s taking a risk, just one simple risk. You take that risk, try something new, and you change, and you can view the mess of emotions differently. You can see them clearer, maybe they’ll still be a little bit fuzzy, but they are getting sorted out.
Thoughts and feelings slowly being tossed into the blender. And then with one click of a button, everything is different. And you need to sort through this new mess of emotions. Sadness, self deprecation, happiness, extatic, joy, depression. Falling in like, falling in love, falling in love with the idea of someone, just wanting someone. Someone you can talk to, a friend who you can sort through the new mess of emotions. A true friend.